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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Like
Directions
Twitter
Cat
Asking
News
Technology
Getting
Funny

More quotes by Andy Borowitz

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The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
Andy Borowitz
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
Andy Borowitz
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John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.
Andy Borowitz
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
Andy Borowitz
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It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.
Andy Borowitz
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We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
Andy Borowitz
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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
Andy Borowitz
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Facebook's new relationship status option: No longer able to interact with actual people
Andy Borowitz
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White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in Duh magazine.
Andy Borowitz
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Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
Andy Borowitz
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
Andy Borowitz
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Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
Andy Borowitz
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All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
Andy Borowitz
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
Andy Borowitz
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
Andy Borowitz
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Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
Andy Borowitz
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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
Andy Borowitz
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The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.
Andy Borowitz
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To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
Andy Borowitz
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Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
Andy Borowitz