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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
Death
Give
Starve
Giving
Twitter
Men
Fish
Fishes
Technology
Forget
Funny
More quotes by Andy Borowitz
Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
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Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.
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The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
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Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
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A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
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We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
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White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in Duh magazine.
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John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.
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It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.
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