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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz
Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
Andy Borowitz
Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
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Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
Andy Borowitz
You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
Andy Borowitz
Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.
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The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
Andy Borowitz
Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
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Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
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Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
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White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in Duh magazine.
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
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We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
Andy Borowitz
Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
Andy Borowitz
