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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
Republican
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz
If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them
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We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
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A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
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US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
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Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a religious meaning.
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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
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Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
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Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.
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It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.
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A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
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