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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Party
Actually
Born
Staunchly
Life
Platform
Platforms
Guide
Guides
Republican

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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
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Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
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We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
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Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them
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NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
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All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
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Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
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Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
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It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.
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