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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
Republican
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Actually
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz
US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
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All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
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Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
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Facebook's new relationship status option: No longer able to interact with actual people
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Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
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You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
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White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in Duh magazine.
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To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
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Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
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