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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
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Actually
Born
Staunchly
Life
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Republican
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Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
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You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
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Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
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