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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz
If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
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Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
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Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
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Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a religious meaning.
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
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It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
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It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
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Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
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A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
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Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
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We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
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Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
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On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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Facebook's new relationship status option: No longer able to interact with actual people
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Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
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