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Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
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Journalist
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz

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Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
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You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
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A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
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Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
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Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
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Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
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Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a religious meaning.
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
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Facebook's new relationship status option: No longer able to interact with actual people
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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
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Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
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