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Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz

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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
Andy Borowitz
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Facebook's new relationship status option: No longer able to interact with actual people
Andy Borowitz
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The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.
Andy Borowitz
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US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.
Andy Borowitz
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Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
Andy Borowitz
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The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
Andy Borowitz
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Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
Andy Borowitz
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
Andy Borowitz
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
Andy Borowitz
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Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
Andy Borowitz
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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
Andy Borowitz
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Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
Andy Borowitz
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Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
Andy Borowitz
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All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
Andy Borowitz
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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
Andy Borowitz
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Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
Andy Borowitz
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Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
Andy Borowitz
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It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
Andy Borowitz
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
Andy Borowitz
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On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
Andy Borowitz