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Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
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Shaker Heights
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz

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A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
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White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in Duh magazine.
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On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
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The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
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If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them
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It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.
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You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
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Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
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Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
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The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
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