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Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz
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All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
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To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
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Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
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Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
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Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
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A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
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Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
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Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
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It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
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The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
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Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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