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Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz

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Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
Andy Borowitz
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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
Andy Borowitz
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A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
Andy Borowitz
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Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
Andy Borowitz
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On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
Andy Borowitz
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Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
Andy Borowitz
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It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
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Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
Andy Borowitz
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
Andy Borowitz
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US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.
Andy Borowitz
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
Andy Borowitz
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
Andy Borowitz
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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
Andy Borowitz
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All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
Andy Borowitz
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It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
Andy Borowitz
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Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a religious meaning.
Andy Borowitz
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Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
Andy Borowitz
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The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
Andy Borowitz
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Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
Andy Borowitz
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Facebook's new relationship status option: No longer able to interact with actual people
Andy Borowitz