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Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
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Journalist
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
Republican
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz

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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
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It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.
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The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.
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You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
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Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a religious meaning.
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Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
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We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
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If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
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Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
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White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in Duh magazine.
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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
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John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.
Andy Borowitz
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Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
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