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Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
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Journalist
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz

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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
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To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
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NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
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Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
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Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a religious meaning.
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Facebook's new relationship status option: No longer able to interact with actual people
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If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them
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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
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Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
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It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
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