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Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz
Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
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Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
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Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
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US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.
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The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
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It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
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NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
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A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
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To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
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