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Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
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Journalist
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz

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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
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NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
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Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
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US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.
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Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
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Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
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It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.
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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
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The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.
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Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
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All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
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Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
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A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
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John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.
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