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It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
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Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Would
Needed
Ads
Nice
Roads
Politics
Comedian
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Billions
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Schools
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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
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You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
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Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
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Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
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Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
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Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
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We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
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US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
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