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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Politician
Mitt
Republican
Roosevelt
Understanding
Abraham
Funny
Lincoln
President
Romney
Understand
Republicans
Believe
Comedian
Evolution
Theodore

More quotes by Andy Borowitz

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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
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A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
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We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
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Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
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Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
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Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
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The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
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NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
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White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in Duh magazine.
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
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