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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Ever
Answer
Time
Says
Answers
Funny
Bigs
Mars
Next
Correct
Someone
Comedian
Government
Gotten

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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
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A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
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John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.
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NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
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Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
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It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
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