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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz

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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
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Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
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Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
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If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
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A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
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US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.
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A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
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Facebook's new relationship status option: No longer able to interact with actual people
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All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
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Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
Andy Borowitz