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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
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It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
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A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
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NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
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Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
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Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
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A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
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Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
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