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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
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Homeless
More quotes by Andy Borowitz
To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
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NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
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The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
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Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
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Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
Andy Borowitz
Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
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It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
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You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
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A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
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The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.
Andy Borowitz
