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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz
Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
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Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
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If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them
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You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
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Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a religious meaning.
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It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
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Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
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To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
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Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
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