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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Would
Twitter
Gotten
Amazing
Mark
Wouldn
Probably
Huckleberry
Around
Finn
Writing
Twain

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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
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Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
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The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
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John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.
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Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
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We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
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