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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Life
Worse
Playing
Song
Remember
Matter
Right
Hard
Would
Chicago

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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
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Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
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Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
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Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
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A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
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Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
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Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
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Facebook's new relationship status option: No longer able to interact with actual people
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
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Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
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You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
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