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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Right
Hard
Would
Chicago
Life
Worse
Playing
Song
Remember
Matter

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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
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It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.
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A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
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NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
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It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
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On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
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We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
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Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
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All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
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If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them
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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
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