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The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Tweet
Hardest
Thing
Every
Something
Things
Life
More quotes by Andy Borowitz
Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a religious meaning.
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Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
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Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
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A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
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Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
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The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
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Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
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NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
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The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
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Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
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