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It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
Painfully
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz
Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
Andy Borowitz
Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
Andy Borowitz
Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
Andy Borowitz
The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
Andy Borowitz
The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
Andy Borowitz
Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
Andy Borowitz
Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a religious meaning.
Andy Borowitz
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
Andy Borowitz
Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
Andy Borowitz
Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
Andy Borowitz
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
Andy Borowitz
All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
Andy Borowitz
Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
Andy Borowitz
Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
Andy Borowitz
Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
Andy Borowitz
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
Andy Borowitz
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
Andy Borowitz
Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
Andy Borowitz
Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
Andy Borowitz
