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Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Google
Friends
Wrong
People

More quotes by Andy Borowitz

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Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
Andy Borowitz
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The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.
Andy Borowitz
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White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in Duh magazine.
Andy Borowitz
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
Andy Borowitz
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Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
Andy Borowitz
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
Andy Borowitz
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
Andy Borowitz
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
Andy Borowitz
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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
Andy Borowitz
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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
Andy Borowitz
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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
Andy Borowitz
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Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
Andy Borowitz
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Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
Andy Borowitz
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Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
Andy Borowitz
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The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
Andy Borowitz
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Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
Andy Borowitz
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Facebook's new relationship status option: No longer able to interact with actual people
Andy Borowitz
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
Andy Borowitz
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Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
Andy Borowitz
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
Andy Borowitz