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Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Google
Friends
Wrong
People

More quotes by Andy Borowitz

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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
Andy Borowitz
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It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
Andy Borowitz
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Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
Andy Borowitz
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
Andy Borowitz
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Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a religious meaning.
Andy Borowitz
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The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
Andy Borowitz
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
Andy Borowitz
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On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
Andy Borowitz
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
Andy Borowitz
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US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.
Andy Borowitz
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
Andy Borowitz
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Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
Andy Borowitz
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
Andy Borowitz
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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
Andy Borowitz
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All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
Andy Borowitz
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A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
Andy Borowitz
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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
Andy Borowitz
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Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
Andy Borowitz
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
Andy Borowitz