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Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Sweaters
Acceptable
Christmas
Cry
Help
Helping
More quotes by Andy Borowitz
Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
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A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
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Facebook's new relationship status option: No longer able to interact with actual people
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Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
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The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.
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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
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If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them
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White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in Duh magazine.
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To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
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Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
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Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a religious meaning.
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
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A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
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