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Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Helping
Sweaters
Acceptable
Christmas
Cry
Help
More quotes by Andy Borowitz
The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
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It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
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Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
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Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.
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Facebook's new relationship status option: No longer able to interact with actual people
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Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
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Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
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It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
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If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them
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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
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