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Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Christmas
Cry
Help
Helping
Sweaters
Acceptable
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A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
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Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a religious meaning.
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
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On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
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It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
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To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
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John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
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The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
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The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
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