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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Baby
Went
Overboard
Shower
Showers
Christmas
Totally
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Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
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Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
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Facebook's new relationship status option: No longer able to interact with actual people
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Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
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Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
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You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
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It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a religious meaning.
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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
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The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
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