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You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Never
Time
Relatives
Gifts
Christmas
Spent
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz

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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
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Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a religious meaning.
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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
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Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
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On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
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Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
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The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
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Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
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To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
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It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
Andy Borowitz