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You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Back
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Time
Relatives
Gifts
Christmas
Spent
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Facebook's new relationship status option: No longer able to interact with actual people
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
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Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
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It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.
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To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
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John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.
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Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
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Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
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The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.
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Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
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Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a religious meaning.
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
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On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
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