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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Vampires
Vampire
Christmas
Popular
Bigger
Even
Would

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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
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A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
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