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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Would
Vampires
Vampire
Christmas
Popular
Bigger
Even

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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
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Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
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Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
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Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
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Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
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It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
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It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
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