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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Vampires
Vampire
Christmas
Popular
Bigger
Even
Would

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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
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A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
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Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
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Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
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All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
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To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
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Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.
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It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
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It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
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