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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Really
Never
People
Birthdays
Birthday
Thanks
Age
Forget

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The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
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It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
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Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
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Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
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Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
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A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
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The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
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It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
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A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
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Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
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Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
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