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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
Really
Never
People
Birthdays
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Forget
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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
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Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
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Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
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Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
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On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
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A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
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All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
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