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If I look upon my whole life, I cannot think of another time when I felt more comfortable: when I had no worries, fears, or desires, when my life seemed as soft and lovely as lying inside a cocoon of rose silk.

Amy Tan

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Amy Tan
Age: 72
Born: 1952
Born: February 19
Essayist
Film Writer
Novelist
Screenwriter
Writer
Oakland
California
Amy Ruth Tan
Comfortable
Worries
Cannot
Inside
Silk
Look
Worry
Soft
Looks
Lying
Fears
Whole
Upon
Desires
Time
Desire
Lovely
Think
Felt
Seemed
Cocoon
Thinking
Rose
Cocoons
Life
Another

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On the third day after someone dies, the soul comes back to settle scores. In my mother's case, this would be the first day of the lunar new year. And because it is the new year, all debts must be paid, or disaster and misfortune will follow.
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My mother would say it is literally ghost writers who come to me.
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Your only shame is to have shame.
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All objects exist in a moment of time.
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Whenever my mother talks to me, she begins the conversation as if we were already in the middle of an argument.
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Hardships can harden even the best person.
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Who knows where inspiration comes from. Perhaps it arises from desperation. Perhaps it comes from the flukes of the universe, the kindness of the muses.
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I learned to forgive myself, and that enabled me to forgive my mother as a person.
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I have loved works of fiction precisely for their illusions, for the author's sleight-of-hand in showing me the magic, what appeared in the right hand but not in the left.
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I've always been a magnet for guilt.
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That was how dishonesty and betrayal started, not in big lies but in small secrets.
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I once sacrificed my life to keep my parents' promiise. This means nothing to you, because to you promises mean nothing... But later, she will forget her promise. She will forget she had a grandmother.
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Now I was a tiger that neither pounced nor lay waiting between the trees. I became an unseen spirit.
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Secrets are kept from children, a lid on top of the soup kettle, so they do not boil over with too much truth.
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I AM A PERSON WHO THINKS ABOUT THE NATURE OF THE SPIRIT WHEN I WRITE. I THINK ABOUT WHAT CAN'T BE KNOWN AND ONLY IMAGINED. I OFTEN SENSE A SPIRIT OR FORCE OR MEANING BEYOND MYSELF. I LEAVE IT OPEN AS TO WHAT THE SPIRIT IS, BUT I CONTINUE TO MAKE GUESSES.
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I have survivor skills. Some of that is superficial - what I present to people outwardly - but what makes people resilient is the ability to find humour and irony in situations that would otherwise overpower you.
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But I don't have anything left inside of me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
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And now I have to stop. Because every time I remember this, I have to cry a little by myself. I don't know why something that made me so happy then feels so sad now. Maybe that is the way it is with the best memories.
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Yesterday my daughter said to me, 'My marriage is falling apart.' And now all she can do is watch it falling.
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