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I've never slept with anyone who could help me at all. No one. I wish I had. If anything, everyone I've had sex with has been a real step in the wrong direction.
Amy Schumer
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Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Help
Wish
Everyone
Helping
Slept
Anything
Direction
Real
Step
Never
Anyone
Wrong
More quotes by Amy Schumer
I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head.
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Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.
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Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?
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Let's all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up.
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The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford.
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I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too.
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The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome!
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Every woman deals with sexism most every day of their lives. Growing up, it's just in your day-to-day. There are all these preconceived notions of what it means to be a woman or a girl, and straying from those ideas of femininity is sort of shocking to people. I felt angered by that as a kid. I felt like that was unjust. Like that was not right.
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I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.
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I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.
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We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
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I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.
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I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was.
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I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.
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I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.
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To me, feminism means equality between men and women. I want to make people laugh and also point out some injustices or inequalities I see.
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I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.
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I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.
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You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.
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Song Sixteen Going on Seventeen is actually about syphilis.
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