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I've never slept with anyone who could help me at all. No one. I wish I had. If anything, everyone I've had sex with has been a real step in the wrong direction.
Amy Schumer
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Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Help
Wish
Everyone
Helping
Slept
Anything
Direction
Real
Step
Never
Anyone
Wrong
More quotes by Amy Schumer
Let's all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up.
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It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?
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You know that show 'Teen Mom'? Or if you're from the South, 'Mom.
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I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.
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I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me.
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Comedy isn't really something where you get discovered. You can't network your way to being funny or talented. It's not hard to get seen if you're funny. If you're funny, talented, and work hard, you will go somewhere.
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I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'
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I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless.
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You shoot saltwater in your ass?
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I completely identify as female, believe it or not.
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I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
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I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.
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Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.
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I care about what the people I care about think about me. It's a short list, but I really care about what those people think.
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I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.
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The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.
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The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.
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I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.
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He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.
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Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?
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