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I've never slept with anyone who could help me at all. No one. I wish I had. If anything, everyone I've had sex with has been a real step in the wrong direction.
Amy Schumer
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Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Wish
Everyone
Helping
Slept
Anything
Direction
Real
Step
Never
Anyone
Wrong
Help
More quotes by Amy Schumer
The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford.
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I'm not sure I'd classify any topics as off-limits, but I don't look for new territories to offend. There's my joke about when my roommate beat cancer. People talk about cancer survivors like they're warriors, but from where I was sitting, she was just watching television and eating soup. Like, did she go to war? No. She kind of just sat around.
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I want to keep working really hard at getting better at stand-up and touring, and I can't imagine a time when I won't want to do that. But, who knows?
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I don't feel any sense of competition at all, and that might be my naïveté, but I don't feel pitted against anyone at all.
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I care about what the people I care about think about me. It's a short list, but I really care about what those people think.
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I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless.
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You shoot saltwater in your ass?
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I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was.
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I feel very open with people, and I'm good at disarming them and having conversations.
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I call myself a comic.But I started as an actress. I did plays since I was 5.
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I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.
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I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.
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It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna!
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Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?
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I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.
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I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.
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He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.
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I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.
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The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.
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I hope that the next time you go to a concert, the band doesn't play the song you wanna hear! And instead, they just play songs off their new album!
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