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I always did plays, I got the comedic roles in college ... or, uh, the ones that would get naked.
Amy Schumer
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Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Would
Comedic
Plays
Naked
Ones
College
Roles
Play
Always
More quotes by Amy Schumer
Song Sixteen Going on Seventeen is actually about syphilis.
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I don't feel any sense of competition at all, and that might be my naïveté, but I don't feel pitted against anyone at all.
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To me, feminism means equality between men and women. I want to make people laugh and also point out some injustices or inequalities I see.
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The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.
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It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna!
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You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.
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I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.
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I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.
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I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.
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We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
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My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents.
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I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head.
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The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome!
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I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me.
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I feel very open with people, and I'm good at disarming them and having conversations.
Amy Schumer
I'm not sure I'd classify any topics as off-limits, but I don't look for new territories to offend. There's my joke about when my roommate beat cancer. People talk about cancer survivors like they're warriors, but from where I was sitting, she was just watching television and eating soup. Like, did she go to war? No. She kind of just sat around.
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I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.
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I only wear heels when it's 100-percent required, and even sometimes not then. I have to talk myself into a bra. I've done an hour of standup where I've been like, I don't have to wear a bra tonight. If you're going to be on camera, you have to get it together, but other than that, I am pretty lazy as a woman.
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I'm not extra sensitive to handshakes. I shake hands all the time.
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Comedy isn't really something where you get discovered. You can't network your way to being funny or talented. It's not hard to get seen if you're funny. If you're funny, talented, and work hard, you will go somewhere.
Amy Schumer
