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I call myself a comic.But I started as an actress. I did plays since I was 5.
Amy Schumer
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Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
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Play
Actress
Actresses
Plays
Comic
Started
Since
More quotes by Amy Schumer
The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.
Amy Schumer
I've done some things I'm embarrassed about, and I like to tell people about them so that maybe they feel less embarrassed or alone when they do something they're unsure about.
Amy Schumer
My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents.
Amy Schumer
I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.
Amy Schumer
I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too.
Amy Schumer
I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.
Amy Schumer
You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.
Amy Schumer
I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.
Amy Schumer
I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.
Amy Schumer
Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?
Amy Schumer
I've never slept with anyone who could help me at all. No one. I wish I had. If anything, everyone I've had sex with has been a real step in the wrong direction.
Amy Schumer
My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wiseass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy. But, I am definitely the first comedian in my family.
Amy Schumer
I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.
Amy Schumer
Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?
Amy Schumer
Very neat for a boy always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He's Hispanic, so he's like, 'Now who's the wetback?' I'm like, 'Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren't going to do themselves.
Amy Schumer
Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
Amy Schumer
I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me.
Amy Schumer
I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.
Amy Schumer
I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
Amy Schumer
Every woman deals with sexism most every day of their lives. Growing up, it's just in your day-to-day. There are all these preconceived notions of what it means to be a woman or a girl, and straying from those ideas of femininity is sort of shocking to people. I felt angered by that as a kid. I felt like that was unjust. Like that was not right.
Amy Schumer