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The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.
Amy Schumer
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Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Girl
Adults
Stills
Guess
Still
Girls
Amy
Going
Normal
React
Like
Grew
Pregnant
Call
Adult
Lives
Driving
Living
Drive
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I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.
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I have gotten death threats - that was scary. But it just made me want to use my voice more.
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She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.
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I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless.
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Very neat for a boy always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He's Hispanic, so he's like, 'Now who's the wetback?' I'm like, 'Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren't going to do themselves.
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I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I'm at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.
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I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
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Song Sixteen Going on Seventeen is actually about syphilis.
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I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too.
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He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.
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I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head.
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You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.
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We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
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The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome!
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I feel very open with people, and I'm good at disarming them and having conversations.
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I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.
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I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.
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I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.
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I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was.
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