Quote

Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?

Amy Schumer

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TAGS & TOPICS

Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Party
Weird
School
Supposed
Poking
Back
Meet
Inviting
Real
Follow
Imaginary
Every
Interested
Vampire
Would
Nobody
Parties
Life
Stop
Idiot
Like
High
Weren

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I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.
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I always did plays, I got the comedic roles in college ... or, uh, the ones that would get naked.
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Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
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The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.
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Comedy isn't really something where you get discovered. You can't network your way to being funny or talented. It's not hard to get seen if you're funny. If you're funny, talented, and work hard, you will go somewhere.
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You shoot saltwater in your ass?
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You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.
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It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?
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I completely identify as female, believe it or not.
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I have gotten death threats - that was scary. But it just made me want to use my voice more.
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He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.
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I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.
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I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
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It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna!
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I want to make women laugh. I want to make them feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to empower them to use their voice and not apologize.
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I've done some things I'm embarrassed about, and I like to tell people about them so that maybe they feel less embarrassed or alone when they do something they're unsure about.
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I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.
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You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.
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The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.
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I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.
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