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I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.
Amy Schumer
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Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Finally
High
Three
School
Expects
Going
Slept
Years
Graduation
Like
Swear
Crush
More quotes by Amy Schumer
I want to make women laugh. I want to make them feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to empower them to use their voice and not apologize.
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I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was.
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The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome!
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I hope that the next time you go to a concert, the band doesn't play the song you wanna hear! And instead, they just play songs off their new album!
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Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.
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I'm not sure I'd classify any topics as off-limits, but I don't look for new territories to offend. There's my joke about when my roommate beat cancer. People talk about cancer survivors like they're warriors, but from where I was sitting, she was just watching television and eating soup. Like, did she go to war? No. She kind of just sat around.
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It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna!
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I'm not extra sensitive to handshakes. I shake hands all the time.
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I feel very open with people, and I'm good at disarming them and having conversations.
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I've never slept with anyone who could help me at all. No one. I wish I had. If anything, everyone I've had sex with has been a real step in the wrong direction.
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The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford.
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I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.
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You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.
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Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?
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I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.
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I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don't think you can rise much above that.
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The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.
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My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.
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To me, feminism means equality between men and women. I want to make people laugh and also point out some injustices or inequalities I see.
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I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too.
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