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I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.
Amy Schumer
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Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Aids
Test
Tests
Blood
Call
Getting
Today
Donated
More quotes by Amy Schumer
I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
Amy Schumer
I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'
Amy Schumer
We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
Amy Schumer
I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I'm at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.
Amy Schumer
It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna!
Amy Schumer
I feel very open with people, and I'm good at disarming them and having conversations.
Amy Schumer
Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
Amy Schumer
The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford.
Amy Schumer
I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.
Amy Schumer
I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head.
Amy Schumer
To me, feminism means equality between men and women. I want to make people laugh and also point out some injustices or inequalities I see.
Amy Schumer
I hope that the next time you go to a concert, the band doesn't play the song you wanna hear! And instead, they just play songs off their new album!
Amy Schumer
I don't feel any sense of competition at all, and that might be my naïveté, but I don't feel pitted against anyone at all.
Amy Schumer
The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.
Amy Schumer
I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.
Amy Schumer
I just want to get the most money I can.
Amy Schumer
I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was.
Amy Schumer
I only wear heels when it's 100-percent required, and even sometimes not then. I have to talk myself into a bra. I've done an hour of standup where I've been like, I don't have to wear a bra tonight. If you're going to be on camera, you have to get it together, but other than that, I am pretty lazy as a woman.
Amy Schumer
I want to make women laugh. I want to make them feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to empower them to use their voice and not apologize.
Amy Schumer
I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.
Amy Schumer
