Quote

My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.

Amy Schumer

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Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Always
Milk
Things
Mom
Like
Smart
Saying
Probably
Heard
Wish
Listened
Really
Cows

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We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
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Very neat for a boy always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He's Hispanic, so he's like, 'Now who's the wetback?' I'm like, 'Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren't going to do themselves.
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I call myself a comic.But I started as an actress. I did plays since I was 5.
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My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.
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Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?
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I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.
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It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna!
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I'm not sure I'd classify any topics as off-limits, but I don't look for new territories to offend. There's my joke about when my roommate beat cancer. People talk about cancer survivors like they're warriors, but from where I was sitting, she was just watching television and eating soup. Like, did she go to war? No. She kind of just sat around.
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I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless.
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I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.
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The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford.
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You shoot saltwater in your ass?
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Stand-up is not something that you're good at right away. You have to do it a ton. But, I think I got to shave a year off because I didn't have to get over stage fright.
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The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.
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My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wiseass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy. But, I am definitely the first comedian in my family.
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I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.
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