Quote

It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?

Amy Schumer

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Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Age
Whether
Stills
Still
Amy
Need
Congratulations
Needs
Pregnant
Like
Ride
Weird

More quotes by Amy Schumer

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Song Sixteen Going on Seventeen is actually about syphilis.
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The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.
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My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.
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I've never slept with anyone who could help me at all. No one. I wish I had. If anything, everyone I've had sex with has been a real step in the wrong direction.
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I don't feel any sense of competition at all, and that might be my naïveté, but I don't feel pitted against anyone at all.
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Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.
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You shoot saltwater in your ass?
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I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.
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I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too.
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You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.
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I call myself a comic.But I started as an actress. I did plays since I was 5.
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My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents.
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I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.
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I was actually on two reality shows, which is crazy. Just to think that, out there, there was some guy, like flipping through the channels, being like, 'Hey, I 69'd her on a cruise ship.
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I want to make women laugh. I want to make them feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to empower them to use their voice and not apologize.
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Very neat for a boy always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He's Hispanic, so he's like, 'Now who's the wetback?' I'm like, 'Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren't going to do themselves.
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You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.
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I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head.
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Whatever the joke is has to be funny, and not coming from a mean-spirited place. I think some things are totally off limits. If someone's spouse died, or one of their children, I would never joke about that in a Roast situation. I don't have any aspirations towards writing any cancer jokes, and there's some stuff that I think is definitely taboo.
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Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
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