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I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.
Amy Schumer
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Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Made
Accidents
Really
Shoes
Like
Band
Probably
Guy
Idea
Thang
Thought
Homeless
Ideas
Accident
More quotes by Amy Schumer
My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.
Amy Schumer
I don't feel any sense of competition at all, and that might be my naïveté, but I don't feel pitted against anyone at all.
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I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.
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I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.
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Very neat for a boy always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He's Hispanic, so he's like, 'Now who's the wetback?' I'm like, 'Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren't going to do themselves.
Amy Schumer
Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?
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I want to keep working really hard at getting better at stand-up and touring, and I can't imagine a time when I won't want to do that. But, who knows?
Amy Schumer
I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless.
Amy Schumer
I have gotten death threats - that was scary. But it just made me want to use my voice more.
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Song Sixteen Going on Seventeen is actually about syphilis.
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I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
Amy Schumer
The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.
Amy Schumer
My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wiseass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy. But, I am definitely the first comedian in my family.
Amy Schumer
I'm still proud of a lot of my jokes when I started.
Amy Schumer
It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?
Amy Schumer
My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents.
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Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
Amy Schumer
I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.
Amy Schumer
I call myself a comic.But I started as an actress. I did plays since I was 5.
Amy Schumer
I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.
Amy Schumer
