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You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.
Amy Schumer
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Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Bring
Month
Use
Pretend
Going
Honesty
Something
Busy
Like
Wear
Months
Fun
Honest
Condom
More quotes by Amy Schumer
I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.
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I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
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I completely identify as female, believe it or not.
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I don't feel any sense of competition at all, and that might be my naïveté, but I don't feel pitted against anyone at all.
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It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna!
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I always did plays, I got the comedic roles in college ... or, uh, the ones that would get naked.
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The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.
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I care about what the people I care about think about me. It's a short list, but I really care about what those people think.
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Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.
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We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
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I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.
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Let's all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up.
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I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.
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I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.
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You know that show 'Teen Mom'? Or if you're from the South, 'Mom.
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I only wear heels when it's 100-percent required, and even sometimes not then. I have to talk myself into a bra. I've done an hour of standup where I've been like, I don't have to wear a bra tonight. If you're going to be on camera, you have to get it together, but other than that, I am pretty lazy as a woman.
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I'm still proud of a lot of my jokes when I started.
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The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.
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To me, feminism means equality between men and women. I want to make people laugh and also point out some injustices or inequalities I see.
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