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It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna!

Amy Schumer

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Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Stage
Getting
Night
Best
Life
Madonna
Dance

More quotes by Amy Schumer

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Stand-up is not something that you're good at right away. You have to do it a ton. But, I think I got to shave a year off because I didn't have to get over stage fright.
Amy Schumer
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You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.
Amy Schumer
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I've done some things I'm embarrassed about, and I like to tell people about them so that maybe they feel less embarrassed or alone when they do something they're unsure about.
Amy Schumer
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We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
Amy Schumer
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She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.
Amy Schumer
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I completely identify as female, believe it or not.
Amy Schumer
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I care about what the people I care about think about me. It's a short list, but I really care about what those people think.
Amy Schumer
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I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.
Amy Schumer
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The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford.
Amy Schumer
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My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents.
Amy Schumer
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Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that.
Amy Schumer
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My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wiseass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy. But, I am definitely the first comedian in my family.
Amy Schumer
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I call myself a comic.But I started as an actress. I did plays since I was 5.
Amy Schumer
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I've never slept with anyone who could help me at all. No one. I wish I had. If anything, everyone I've had sex with has been a real step in the wrong direction.
Amy Schumer
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I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'
Amy Schumer
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Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?
Amy Schumer
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I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
Amy Schumer
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You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.
Amy Schumer
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Whatever the joke is has to be funny, and not coming from a mean-spirited place. I think some things are totally off limits. If someone's spouse died, or one of their children, I would never joke about that in a Roast situation. I don't have any aspirations towards writing any cancer jokes, and there's some stuff that I think is definitely taboo.
Amy Schumer
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I'm not sure I'd classify any topics as off-limits, but I don't look for new territories to offend. There's my joke about when my roommate beat cancer. People talk about cancer survivors like they're warriors, but from where I was sitting, she was just watching television and eating soup. Like, did she go to war? No. She kind of just sat around.
Amy Schumer