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I'm still proud of a lot of my jokes when I started.
Amy Schumer
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Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Proud
Started
Stills
Still
Jokes
More quotes by Amy Schumer
I want to keep working really hard at getting better at stand-up and touring, and I can't imagine a time when I won't want to do that. But, who knows?
Amy Schumer
You know that show 'Teen Mom'? Or if you're from the South, 'Mom.
Amy Schumer
Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?
Amy Schumer
The truth is, whoever I've dated, if I've ever wanted to talk about them on stage, I've asked them first, and I've gotten their permission to tell a story or talk about them before I do it.
Amy Schumer
My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.
Amy Schumer
I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too.
Amy Schumer
The girls that I grew up with, and my friends and I, we just never had interests in common. I loved comedy. I loved Saturday Night Live, Gilda Radner, Lucille Ball, and Goldie Hawn movies. I just wanted to laugh. I liked women in comedy, and I liked male comics as I got a little older. My interests just never matched up with other girls'.
Amy Schumer
You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.
Amy Schumer
I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless.
Amy Schumer
I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'
Amy Schumer
You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.
Amy Schumer
I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head.
Amy Schumer
I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I'm at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.
Amy Schumer
You shoot saltwater in your ass?
Amy Schumer
I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.
Amy Schumer
Song Sixteen Going on Seventeen is actually about syphilis.
Amy Schumer
I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.
Amy Schumer
I was actually on two reality shows, which is crazy. Just to think that, out there, there was some guy, like flipping through the channels, being like, 'Hey, I 69'd her on a cruise ship.
Amy Schumer
We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
Amy Schumer
I hope that the next time you go to a concert, the band doesn't play the song you wanna hear! And instead, they just play songs off their new album!
Amy Schumer
