Quote

I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.

Amy Schumer

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Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Always
Extremely
Think
Attractive
Thinking
Thanks
World
Mom
Notion
Brought
Gorgeous
Girl
Fairly
Mother
Devoted

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I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.
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I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don't think you can rise much above that.
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You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.
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You shoot saltwater in your ass?
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Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.
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I want to make women laugh. I want to make them feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to empower them to use their voice and not apologize.
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My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.
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Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
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I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.
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You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.
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I have gotten death threats - that was scary. But it just made me want to use my voice more.
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I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.
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The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome!
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I don't feel any sense of competition at all, and that might be my naïveté, but I don't feel pitted against anyone at all.
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Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that.
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I always did plays, I got the comedic roles in college ... or, uh, the ones that would get naked.
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Comedy isn't really something where you get discovered. You can't network your way to being funny or talented. It's not hard to get seen if you're funny. If you're funny, talented, and work hard, you will go somewhere.
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Very neat for a boy always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He's Hispanic, so he's like, 'Now who's the wetback?' I'm like, 'Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren't going to do themselves.
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I only wear heels when it's 100-percent required, and even sometimes not then. I have to talk myself into a bra. I've done an hour of standup where I've been like, I don't have to wear a bra tonight. If you're going to be on camera, you have to get it together, but other than that, I am pretty lazy as a woman.
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I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.
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