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I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don't think you can rise much above that.
Amy Schumer
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Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Living
Hard
Much
Years
Figuring
Really
Rise
Make
Road
Think
Working
Thinking
Funny
More quotes by Amy Schumer
Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?
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I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.
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I've done some things I'm embarrassed about, and I like to tell people about them so that maybe they feel less embarrassed or alone when they do something they're unsure about.
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My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.
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The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.
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I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was.
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I'm still proud of a lot of my jokes when I started.
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I've never slept with anyone who could help me at all. No one. I wish I had. If anything, everyone I've had sex with has been a real step in the wrong direction.
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I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.
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I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.
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I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.
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I always did plays, I got the comedic roles in college ... or, uh, the ones that would get naked.
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My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.
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I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.
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You shoot saltwater in your ass?
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I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.
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She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.
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I'm not extra sensitive to handshakes. I shake hands all the time.
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I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me.
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I'm not sure I'd classify any topics as off-limits, but I don't look for new territories to offend. There's my joke about when my roommate beat cancer. People talk about cancer survivors like they're warriors, but from where I was sitting, she was just watching television and eating soup. Like, did she go to war? No. She kind of just sat around.
Amy Schumer
