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You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.
Amy Schumer
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Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Drinking
Nobody
Barbeque
Worst
Slur
Part
Slurs
Like
Wow
Racial
Drunk
Likes
More quotes by Amy Schumer
The truth is, whoever I've dated, if I've ever wanted to talk about them on stage, I've asked them first, and I've gotten their permission to tell a story or talk about them before I do it.
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I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me.
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To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you're saying to people.
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I want to make women laugh. I want to make them feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to empower them to use their voice and not apologize.
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I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.
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I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
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I care about what the people I care about think about me. It's a short list, but I really care about what those people think.
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I'm not sure I'd classify any topics as off-limits, but I don't look for new territories to offend. There's my joke about when my roommate beat cancer. People talk about cancer survivors like they're warriors, but from where I was sitting, she was just watching television and eating soup. Like, did she go to war? No. She kind of just sat around.
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I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.
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Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
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I feel very open with people, and I'm good at disarming them and having conversations.
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I don't try to be feminist. I just am. It's innately inside me. I have no interest in trying to be the perfect feminist, but I do believe feminists are in good hands with me.
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Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?
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I don't feel any sense of competition at all, and that might be my naïveté, but I don't feel pitted against anyone at all.
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You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.
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I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.
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