Quote

I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.

Amy Schumer

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TAGS & TOPICS

Amy Schumer
Age: 43
Born: 1981
Born: June 1
Actor
Comedian
Not Funny
Podcaster
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Television Producer
Writer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Amy Beth Schumer
Much
Drinking
Havens
Exciting
Haven
Evicted
Somebody
Wow
Actually
Loud
Two
Thank
Mean
Excuse

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Comedy isn't really something where you get discovered. You can't network your way to being funny or talented. It's not hard to get seen if you're funny. If you're funny, talented, and work hard, you will go somewhere.
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I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless.
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You know that show 'Teen Mom'? Or if you're from the South, 'Mom.
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I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.
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I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was.
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It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna!
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I want to make women laugh. I want to make them feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to empower them to use their voice and not apologize.
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My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents.
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Song Sixteen Going on Seventeen is actually about syphilis.
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The truth is, whoever I've dated, if I've ever wanted to talk about them on stage, I've asked them first, and I've gotten their permission to tell a story or talk about them before I do it.
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I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'
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We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
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I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.
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I don't try to be feminist. I just am. It's innately inside me. I have no interest in trying to be the perfect feminist, but I do believe feminists are in good hands with me.
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Whatever the joke is has to be funny, and not coming from a mean-spirited place. I think some things are totally off limits. If someone's spouse died, or one of their children, I would never joke about that in a Roast situation. I don't have any aspirations towards writing any cancer jokes, and there's some stuff that I think is definitely taboo.
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I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.
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Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.
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You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.
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Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that.
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My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.
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