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DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper - the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort.

Ambrose Bierce

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Ambrose Bierce
Born: 1842
Born: June 24
Aphorist
Journalist
Poet
Science Fiction Writer
Writer
Meigs County
Ohio
Dod Grile
William Herman
Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce
Ambrose Bierce
Hours
Twenties
Improper
Business
Former
Devoted
Night
Period
Sins
Two
Parts
Divided
Periods
Mostly
Sin
Latter
Sort
Proper
Misspent
Four
Twenty
Consecrated

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Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.
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Duck-bill, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season.
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Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
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FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one sees and vacant lots in London
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PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.
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PERIPATETIC, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philosophy of Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place in order to avoid his pupil's objections. A needless precaution - they knew no more of the matter than he.
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Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound on yours.
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If every hypocrite in the United States were to break his leg to-day the country could be successfully invaded to-morrow by the warlike hypocrites of Canada.
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critic, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.
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PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the conviction that the government authorities of the Church should be called presbyters.
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Labor is one of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
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A man is known by the company he organizes.
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Scribbler, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one's own.
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COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power.
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REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.
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WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies.
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PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite so good as that of a Cheyenne.
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Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
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To seek a justification for a decision already made.
Ambrose Bierce
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OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury.
Ambrose Bierce